Aet Lindling, Conqueror of All Dare Challenge Him
Aet Lindling, a Dashing Knight, was kneeling at a burbling brook, taking a drink from its flow of cool water. When, suddenly, a Large Squirrel did attack him!
Knight Lindling drew his sword, and aimed it firmly at the beast.
"Say now, fine forest creature, what demon hath possessed thee?"
The Large Squirrel protested fiercely, explaining that a horrible dragon had taken over the Castle of the Fine Princess.
"But why the attacking, forest creature?"
The Large Squirrel explained. "Hell, I dunno."
Thus, the Dashing Knight sheathed his sword, declared "Very well! I shall set forth to defeat this beast!" and with a defiant shout, he went charging into the brush. The Large Squirrel saw a Large Acorn somewhere in a clearing to the right, and went off to fetch it.
---
Aet Lindling had traveled quite a ways, and now sat down on a stump to relax his handsome body. He pulled his helmet and visor off of his head, letting the golden locks cascade down, and sighing in relief as he cooled down.
He was in a darker, more eerie part of the God Forsaken Forest at this point. Suddenly, he heard a noise. Grabbing his sword, he pulled it out of its sheath, stood to his full 6'4" height, and declared boldly, "Who is that hiding in the trees?" A Creature Most Wretched emerged and attempted to attack him! He quickly parried the small weak body with his sword, sending it flying with a thwap sound, and the Creature fell groaning to the forest floor.
“Say now, befouled creature of the depths of scum, whatever is your problem, jerk?”
The Creature Most Wretched wriggled about on the forest floor, and squealed a most loathsome squeal.
“Good God, that is a most loathsome squeal! It is almost as if you wish to irritate me! Now then, to business! Being a Creature Most Wretched, it is clear that you must have some knowledge of how to defeat the Dragon who has taken over the Castle of the Fine Princess, who I must woo by rescuing gallantly and then displaying my scintillating washboard stomach and possibly other parts of my body to!”
The Creature Most Wretched pretended to understand and wondered why bile was rising in its throat.
“Well?” Knight Lindling demanded proudly and handsomely, with a smooth voice like molten chocolate.
“Um, well, sometimes you can defeat a dragon by killing it,” the Creature Most Wretched offered up.
“Dear Lord in Heaven That I Am Often Compared To In Terms Of Power and Awesomeness! That is a splendid idea! Because of your great intellect, I shall simply break your legs rather than killing you!”
The Creature Most Wretched bit the Good Sir Aet Lindling on his hand and ran off.
“What’s this? Betrayal!? I shall find you eventually! You may as well kill yourself now! None can hide forever from the Great Lindling!” he said, and took a bicycle pump to inflate his chest a bit more.
---
One day later, the Castle of the Fine Princess was quite close. Sir Lindling was in a clearer part of the God Forsaken Forest and could see open space on the horizon.
Suddenly, a vampire appeared!
“ACK WTF!” said Sir Lindling, and took his sword and a dagger and fashioned them into a cross.
“Dude, that doesn’t work on me,” said Edward Cullen. “And I just wanted to tell you that you’re totally plagiarizing my character.”
“...Ah. You be off now then. Say, isn’t the sun rising?” said the Good and Honourable Sir Lindling.
“Oh... yeah... yeah it is...” said Edward uneasily.
“What?”
The sun rose, and Edward exploded into an incandescent mass of skin.
“WHOA WHAT” said Sir Lindling, and an Epic Fight ensued!
In the end, of course, Righteous Good won against Sparkly Cardboard Vampires, and Sir Lindling ventured on to save the Fine Princess.
The Sparkly Corpse just sort of lay there pathetically.
---
Sir Lindling was making his way through the final stretches of the God Forsaken Forest.
A small gnome emerged from behind a bush!
Sir Lindling said “Gnome!”
The gnome said “Sir Knight Most Dashing, I have many potions for you. Potions for sleep and potions for strength, potions for speed and potions for energy, potions of death and potions of life. For one mere gold coin, you may have any of the potions you like.”
“Hmm,” said The Good Sir Lindling.
“There is also a potion for sexiness, Sir Knight Most Dashing,” the gnome pleadingly said.
“Hmm,” said The Good Sir Lindling.
“That suit of armor looks quite dashingly handsome on you, Sir Knight Most Dashing,” the gnome cajolingly said.
“Well, I suppose so,” said the magnificent Good Sir Lindling, his many golden long thin cords of dead skin shining in the sunlight and rippling in the breeze, and flipped a shiny golden coin extravagantly from out of nowhere, using a dashingly wonderful sleight of hand he had picked up in the faraway kingdoms of Arsuir, on business of the most noble and honourable sort.
The gnome caught the coin in midair, and said “Excellent! What potion would you like!”
The Good Sir Lindling said “A potion for sexiness.”
The gnome pulled a glowing bottle out of his sleeve, and tossed it to the Good Sir, who caught it with a quick gesture of his perfect hand, uncorked it with his teeth, spat the cork so high with his magnificent breath that it went into orbit, and gulped the potion down.
The gnome chuckled and ran off into the mist.
“Hey!” said the admirable and noble Aet Lindling, the one many fair maiden girls chase after.
“I might have wanted that strength one tooooo... whoa. Is this part of the potion’s magic?” said the wonderful Lindling, as he swayed back and forth and turned slightly pale, though this effect was almost unnoticeable under his perfectly tanned skin.
The Excellent Acclaimed Sir Aet Lindling collapsed in a heap on the forest floor, because the potion fought dirty with his immune system and kicked it in the crotch. His wonderful, amazing immune system would assuredly have won if it were not for such low behavior.
The gnome giggled and ran back to collect the limp body.
TO BE CONTINUED
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Loved it! This was a great piece of work and I loved the humour in it. I can't wait for the rest to be posted! Please, hurry and write it!
^^Favorite line.
Hey, Aet, how’s your opinion of yourself? I think it could stand to be raised a bit, don’t you?
I fear for your sanity at times, Aet.
This is not one of those times--genius in the making, right here. Been borrowing my ego again? Your voice in this is excellent! It stays constant throughout, and it's very entertaining when you throw in modern pop-culture and l33t speak.
Basically, it rules. As long as you're writing comedy. If you're writing a serious piece, I might have to shank you quite powerfully.
This funny. I especially liked where you incorporated Edward Culllen from the Twilight Series. I thought you taught a good lesson that, one, be care full who you trust, for the Most Wretched Creature betrayed him as well as th Gnome. And if u think to much of your self, nothing good will happen to you.(as shown in the last part) Oh. And you were talking all, Thee, and Wrath. And you put in some modern slang words. Hilarious!!! Keeepppp writing!
I hate works like this, simply because they give me nothing to critique, and I can't pad out my post long enough to be a review.
Nyahh.
In a few places you missed out commas. Viz.,
After the "said"s.
I have so many favourite parts of this, it'd be spamming to quote them all. Only, I think the immune system and Edward Cullen were the best parts.
Loathing of Eragon and Twilight come across in equal measures, which might lose you a few friends, but what the hey. It's a pity there isn't an emoticon for rofl and lmfo.